3 tips for dealing with jealousy

One of the things that makes “jealousy” such a loaded word is that it’s really a concoction of various other emotions, the exact recipe for which depends on the individual. As Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, phrases it, jealousy “is the fear or worry that someone with whom you have an emotional relationship may be experiencing an attraction toward another person... it generates a host of emotions, such as sadness and inadequacy, or rage and desire for retribution. The sadness comes from the fear of losing the object of your love, and the rage comes from a desire to have it back.”

Fear, worry, sadness, inadequacy, rage — as stark as those emotions sound, you may be surprised to learn that a little jealousy is perfectly healthy (and even normal) in a relationship. No jealousy at all — or huge, seething buckets of it — are a good indication that something has gone amiss. So how do you know if you’re feeling the “right” amount of jealousy, and how do you express it without driving your significant other crazy? Here are some tips.

1. Be honest with yourself. According to Dr. Ish Major, author of Little White Whys: A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, some men feel so secure in themselves and in the fidelity of their partners that they experience no jealous feelings whatsoever. Aside from these lucky guys, Major says, most men who refuse to admit to jealousy fall into one of two camps: either “they aren’t paying attention and have no clue that they should feel jealous,” or “they simply don’t care... this type of guy would be more than happy if someone (other than himself) would come and sweep a partner off of her feet and right out of his life.”

Clearly, it’s better to acknowledge (at least to yourself, and perhaps to trusted friends or relatives) the little bit of jealousy you do feel, rather than letting it fester for weeks or months only to explode at a melodramatic moment. Sometimes, just sitting down and writing in a journal will help you to objectively assess your feelings; perusing a hastily scribbled entry, like “Mamie should have been home from the grocery store 20 minutes ago! I KNOW she’s been flirting with the floor manager!” will hopefully make you feel ridiculous enough that you’ll do something more productive than obsessing over your significant other.

2. Express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes, as with that grocery store fantasy, jealousy-provoking scenarios are best left unshared with your partner. If you do decide to unload, Dr. Haltzman says, you should keep in mind that “expressing jealousy is a double-edged sword. It says ‘I care about you enough to be jealous,’ but it also says ‘I don’t trust you.’ I think it’s more important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather the jealousy itself. So instead of saying ‘I’m really jealous of the time you’re spending with Tommy,’ you might say, ‘I have to admit, I’m a little jealous that you and Tommy went to the movies and then went out afterward.’”

Granted, very few people can discuss their jealous feelings so rationally and calmly. Says Dr. Major, “It’s rarely helpful to express full-fledged anger over an issue that has made you jealous. You can never control a person to determine who flirts with whom and what their respective responses are; just make sure you’re doing everything you should as a mate, because you’re the only one you can fully control in this equation.” What are the signs that you’ve taken your jealous feelings too far? One clue, Dr. Major quips, is that “you notice children and strangers looking on in horror and snapping pictures of you with their phones.”

3. If you’re not feeling it, don’t be afraid to fake it. “Some, if not most, women are absolutely flattered when their partners get jealous,” says Dr. Major. “Think Marilyn Monroe. Think Scarlett O’Hara. For women, a partner’s jealousy serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is letting them know they still ‘have it’ and somebody wants it. It also lets them know you’re paying attention and you care.” Not surprisingly, Dr. Major adds, “I am a strong advocate of feigned jealousy. I have used it personally and at times I’ve advised friends and patients to do the same.”

Dr. Haltzman points out, of course, that feigning jealousy (and expressing it) can have unforeseen consequences. “Some women worry that if a guy isn’t jealous, he might not care enough about her. Early in the courtship, she might use jealousy to get the man to pay more attention. If he seems disinterested, she’ll go off and talk to someone else and becomes a more ‘valuable’ partner because other people are attracted to her.” The trouble, Dr. Haltzman concludes, is that “if a woman is used to seeing jealousy as proof of attraction, she may worry when the jealousy disappears” — leading to a vicious cycle of jealousy and jealousy-provoking behavior. What’s the lesson in all of this? Tread carefully when feeling or expressing jealousy, but a little bit can be a good thing!

10 tips for better sleep

If you're having trouble sleeping, change your sleep habits for a better night's rest.

Feeling crabby lately? It could be you aren't getting enough sleep. Work, household responsibilities and child care can make sleep difficult to come by. Factor in other unexpected challenges, such as financial worries, layoffs, relationship issues or an illness, and quality sleep may be even more elusive.

You may not be able to control or eliminate all of the factors that interfere with your sleep, but you can create an environment and adopt habits that encourage a more restful night. Try these suggestions if you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep:

1. Go to bed and get up at about the same time every day, even on the weekends. Sticking to a schedule helps reinforce your body's sleep-wake cycle and can help you fall asleep more easily at night.
2. Don't eat or drink large amounts before bedtime. Eat a light dinner at least two hours before sleeping. If you're prone to heartburn, avoid spicy or fatty foods, which can make your heartburn flare and prevent a restful sleep. Also, limit how much you drink before bed. Too much liquid can cause you to wake up repeatedly during the night for trips to the toilet.
3. Avoid nicotine, caffeine and alcohol in the evening.These are stimulants that can keep you awake. Smokers often experience withdrawal symptoms at night, and smoking in bed is dangerous. Avoid caffeine for eight hours before your planned bedtime. Your body doesn't store caffeine, but it takes many hours to eliminate the stimulant and its effects. And although often believed to be a sedative, alcohol actually disrupts sleep.
4. Exercise regularly. Regular physical activity, especially aerobic exercise, can help you fall asleep faster and make your sleep more restful. However, for some people, exercising right before bed may make getting to sleep more difficult.
5. Make your bedroom cool, dark, quiet and comfortable.Create a room that's ideal for sleeping. Adjust the lighting, temperature, humidity and noise level to your preferences. Use blackout curtains, eye covers, earplugs, extra blankets, a fan or white-noise generator, a humidifier or other devices to create an environment that suits your needs.
6. Sleep primarily at night. Daytime naps may steal hours from nighttime slumber. Limit daytime sleep to about a half-hour and make it during midafternoon. If you work nights, keep your window coverings closed so that sunlight, which adjusts the body's internal clock, doesn't interrupt your sleep. If you have a day job and sleep at night, but still have trouble waking up, leave the window coverings open and let the sunlight help awaken you.
7. Choose a comfortable mattress and pillow. Features of a good bed are subjective and differ for each person. But make sure you have a bed that's comfortable. If you share your bed, make sure there's enough room for two. Children and pets are often disruptive, so you may need to set limits on how often they sleep in bed with you.
8. Start a relaxing bedtime routine. Do the same things each night to tell your body it's time to wind down. This may include taking a warm bath or shower, reading a book, or listening to soothing music. Relaxing activities done with lowered lights can help ease the transition between wakefulness and sleepiness.
9. Go to bed when you're tired and turn out the lights. If you don't fall asleep within 15 to 20 minutes, get up and do something else. Go back to bed when you're tired. Don't agonize over falling asleep. The stress will only prevent sleep.
10. Use sleeping pills only as a last resort. Check with your doctor before taking any sleep medications. He or she can make sure the pills won't interact with your other medications or with an existing medical condition. Your doctor can also help you determine the best dosage. If you do take a sleep medication, reduce the dosage gradually when you want to quit, and never mix alcohol and sleeping pills. If you feel sleepy or dizzy during the day, talk to your doctor about changing the dosage or discontinuing the pills.

Nearly everyone has occasional sleepless nights. But if you have trouble sleeping on a regular or frequent basis, see your doctor. You could have a sleep disorder, such as obstructive sleep apnea or restless legs syndrome. Identifying and treating the cause of your sleep disturbance can help get you back on the road to a good night's sleep.