How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ever had someone twist your very heart from its cavern with only a couple of words, or worse just with an interminable silence? Ever had someone move on with their life as yours was left to flounder? There is a way to laugh and love again.

2. 1
   Try to understand why you are upset. Understand that everything happens for a reason. What exact moment made you feel upset?
   
   
3. Don't think about whose fault it was - at one time or another, everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it.
4. 3
   Do something quiet and relaxing to help you feel better. Maybe you want to take a hot bath, or meditate, or read a book. That's fine.
5. 4
   In an hour, or two, or whenever you're ready, start thinking about whether you are ready to accept the other person's feelings.
6. 5
   If you are, go ahead, call them, write them a note, or whatever you need to do. Maybe you want to talk face-to-face. They may not be willing to see you, or talk to you, but you should make an effort. Even if they turn you down, you feel better that you tried, and maybe they'll recognize that you made an effort.
7. 6
   Understand what causes a broken heart in the first place. When we are in a mutual loving relationship we are constantly transferring our life energy (chi/ka/qi/prana) to our beloved automatically and more so when we think of them. This is based on the Huna principle: "Energy flows where attention goes". In a balanced relationship this transference of life energy is strong and has equal amounts of incoming and outgoing life energy. This helps both members feel secure and stable in a relationship even if it might be long distance. An unbalanced relationship causes this energetic flow to fall out of sync and results in an uneven distribution of incoming and outgoing life energy. This is why when we feel insecure, needy or clingy in a relationship even when there might not be a real reason behind it. The likely cause for this is because you stopped being your ex's main attention point in life and your ex didn't allow energy to flow back to you. Your ex might have had some other priorities (new job, changes in family, moving to a new city) and this lack of incoming energy is what causes one to become needy, anxious, unsettled and insecure in a relationship. But now that you have been told that you won't be able to continue your relationship with your beloved there is a conflict in mind and heart. You are still transferring life energy to your beloved automatically by thinking of them(you do love them after all!) but this is resulting in an inner conflict as you know you should stop. Your heart chakra is wide open and your mind now knows that you won't be getting any more incoming energy back from your beloved but your energetic body is still expecting it. This is why there is a great need to focus your energy on other aspects of life to balance your outgoing energy to something that will require your complete focus.
8. 7
   What we miss when drawing away from a relationship is that we can't express our love anymore to someone. Ways to continue this form of heartfelt expression (and keep our wellbeing in balance on an energetic level) is to write poetry, paint, sing, dance, and do whatever it takes to allow you to transform your pain into something productive!
9. 8
   Move on. When you feel you are ready to open your heart again, find someone else to be with.
10. 9
    Smile! Seriously, smiling makes you feel better and if you gather a few good, close friends and have a laugh together, you'll remember how good life was without him/her and that you're okay really.
11. 10
    Remember the 2-year rule. It takes 2 years to learn a new job, to get accustomed to a new town and to completely heal a broken heart. If you follow these steps without remembering this first, you will be overly optimistic and disappointed. Real results are obtainable when realistic expectations are set.
12. 11
    The moment he, she or it hammers the last drop of blood from your still loving/beating heart, stop arguing with that person or the fantasy voice of that person about how they are wrong and you are right. Everytime you catch yourself arguing your point in your own mind, just say stop and focus on something completely different.
13. 12
    Put away the memories. When you regain composure from step 2, put the remainder candy wrappers, music, item of smell memory in the box with the rest of the memory debris. Keep out the picture.
    
    
    • Every day for a week when you walk by the picture of your former beloved, say out loud, "Forget you and the horse you rode in on," or some other suitable invective and then catch yourself arguing with the memory and say stop. Say it out loud, be your filthy angriest self in these mutterings.
    • Every day for the second week when you walk by the picture of your former beloved, say out loud. I miss you, and then catch yourself arguing with the memory and say stop.
    • Every day for the third week when you walk by the picture of your former soul mate, say I am sorry out loud to the picture.
14. 13
    Replace the picture of your former dearest, with a picture of yourself. But keep the picture in the same place, just put a picture of you on top of it. Then every day when you walk by the picture, say I am sorry out loud to the picture. Yes you are apologizing to yourself for having gone that far around the bend for someone who didn't know your value and worth, and who doesn't matter anymore.
15. 14
    Let time heal. It has been one month now. Go to someplace where you used to go or be near your so-called one-true love and go there with a friend (not alone, this is important). Mention 1 time and 1 time only how you used to drink at this very bar or your used to fend off Mr or Mrs. Wonderful's advances in that same back store room, mention it once only and then have a drink or file some papers, or do what ever you used to do, only now with a different person, preferably a comfortable friend who can smile knowingly then move the conversation forward.
16. 15
    Practice being honest to yourself every day. In fact, be honest to everyone. Living in the truth of every moment will allow you to carve your way to a better relationship the next time around.
17. 16
    Read a book every night before you go to sleep. You might never have read books, but nothing moves you outside of yourself better than a book, not a movie, not a music video, read a book. It will help you heal.
18. 17
    If you feel ready, start dating other people again and not be a raving lunatic after about 2 months. Be careful about how you mention your ex to people you date, others can easily tell where your heart still truly lies and if just the mention of your ex's name makes your eyes well up, then you definitely need more time to heal before seeing other people. Jumping from one relationship to the next will not make you feel better in the long run as unresolved issues will appear in your new relationship.
19. 18
    Speak to people. Speak to friends. They have all been through the same and will gladly help ease your burden of dealing with a broken heart.
    
    

    
    

    Tips

    • Do not go on any dates with the person from whom you are trying to heal. This is not productive and will not lead to healing. There is no more closure. There is only healing. Think of it as cutting a wound open that has stopped bleeding and started closing.
      
      
    • When trying to heal do not accept phone calls and exchange flirty emails with the former object of your desire. This is also not productive and will only prolong the healing process.
    • You are not healing from the broken heart your sweetie caused to become more attractive to that person or to win that person back. When you catch yourself in this thought process, eat ice cream. (Note: Ice cream can be substituted for long walks or long swims or rough games of squash or R-ball) but in no way is anything you are doing targeted to get that person back. There is no getting back. The point is to get forward. Nothing you do or say will bring your beloved back to you, and frankly, would you want to be dating someone that is that temperamental anyways?
    • Tell your friends once about your heartbreaking loss. If you cannot confine the discussion with your friends to one instance, confine the time spent discussing the gory details to no more than 1 hour actual time. You will need your friends later, so best to not wear out your welcome with them.
    • Do not eat too much, drink too much or do drugs to get over your broken heart, unless of course that is how you always act, in which case it is important to remember that a lot of things change in 2 years. If you can change your ideal of self-honesty and acceptance in those next two years for the better, then you will have better odds of finding someone who will want what you want at the same time as you want it. It's all about timing really.
    • It really helps if you have good friends who can watch over you and prevent you from doing and/or saying something that you will end up regretting!

    Warning

    • If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, talk to your doctor immediately!
    • If you do not recover in 2 years time, and it still hurts really bad, try moving towns.
    • Smart people who are psychologists will say, everyone heals at their own pace. The bruised and wounded heart makes one a more compassionate human, and it is that self-compassion which if nurtured will allow you to heal.

How to Fall Out of Love

Are you the victim of cruel fate? Does the "perfect" mate think you are better off as friends? Although it might feel like you'll never find somebody better, there are some ways you can move on. Falling out of love is as unique to each individual as falling in love, but here are some healthy ways to cut your emotional ties.

1. 1
   Make a list of all the reasons it wasn't meant to be. The number one reason should be that this person is not in love with only you. You deserve better than to be someone's back-up between flings, and/or ego trip. Other reasons may include incompatibility, especially when you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with this person and remember the ways in which you clash on a regular basis. Human memory can be selective, and you may find yourself dwelling on that first kiss in the park, or that time when you laughed till you almost cried...but also remember the times when you felt neglected, unappreciated, betrayed, or even deeply hurt.
   
   
   
   
   • See their faults. Nobody is perfect. The longer you hold on to the idea that this person is perfect, the harder it'll be to get on with your life. It's completely possible that you're idealizing someone just so that you can have a fantasy to hold on to. You should accept that this person is not perfect, and definitely not perfect for you -- because the perfect person for you would think as highly of you as you do of them.
   • Think of what you want from a significant other that you didn't get from this person. Was he or she arrogant? selfish? insincere? Write down the opposites of those traits (humble, giving, and honest). Not only will you see what this person didn't have, but you'll learn from this experience and look forward to finding someone who better suits you.
   • Ask yourself if it was really true love you were feeling for this person. Read How to Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust. If you recognize that it was infatuation or lust rather than love, then you will have an easier time letting go.
     
     
2. 2
   Remove as many traces of their presence in your life as you can. This is very, very difficult but also very important. Ask friends and family to help you sort through things and put anything that reminds you of him or her in a box. If you want to give these things back to the person, mail them--don't give it to them in person and torture yourself. An alternative is to bury the box (presuming it won't contaminate the water supply), burn it (with caution), or throw it (forcefully) into the dumpster. The physical act of destroying reminders of them may help your emotional side catch up.
   
   
   • If you lived together, consider redecorating. Even moving furniture around can help dilute those feelings that will inevitably surge when you wake up without them next to you. If it's possible and necessary, you might even consider moving.
3. 3
   Distance yourself. You won't want to, but staying close to someone you want but can't have just isn't healthy. Don't tell the person or anyone close to them what you are doing, as they might try to convince you otherwise. Just try to get away for a while. Don't call them, don't go places where you know they frequent, and make yourself scarce. If you must have some contact (such as work) respond to messages slowly after a few days. Only call back when you have a good excuse to get off the phone after a few minutes. Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself.
   
   
   • The object of your affection might notice you are distancing yourself from them. They may try to get you to see them more. Say you have been really busy with all of these new activities. Tell them you have other things to do, too. You must have a life separate from theirs. Don't answer their calls and don't call them or text message them. You will be tempted to, but don't. It is far too easy to get entangled again and think of all the good work you have done to distance yourself.
   • Don't assume after distancing yourself for awhile that you are over it. Be careful to make sure you are fully over this person before you see the person again.
   • If this person was an unhealthy influence in your life (controlling, manipulative, abusive, etc.), cut them out completely. There's no obligation to stay on good terms with someone who made your life miserable, even if they didn't mean to. They may try to make you feel sorry for them in order to keep you wrapped around their finger. Cut off all ties and move on. Read How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship.
4. 4
   Practice thought stopping, a technique that helps you to become more mindful and in control of what you think (or don't want to think about, as the case may be.) When you notice a thought has popped into you about the individual, say to yourself or aloud, "Stop!", as a reminder to divert your attention. Visualizing an image such as a stop sign may also help. Then, choose something else to think about that is pleasant. For example, notice how the sun feels on your skin or what the breeze feels like passing by. Look at the clouds in the sky, notice your breath, or the sounds of people talking around you. Become aware of your body and how you feel in it. These will all take your mind off of your thoughts of her/ him in a tangible and effective manner. It takes practice and may feel awkward at first, but with time it is a very effective way to move on, not to speak of feeling and being more empowered by having acquired a powerful new skill.
5. 5
   Do all the things you've ever wanted to do, that you wouldn't have done if you were still with this person. Did you always want to take a tango class, but didn't because he or she "doesn't dance, period" and you didn't want to go without them? Did you want to go to that car, fashion, or antique lamp show with your friends, but felt reluctant to spend your day off with someone other than your love? Did you want to travel to an exotic country, but your partner didn't want to go because it's too hot/dirty/boring? Maybe--probably--there are ways in which the relationship held you back. Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities. Do whatever you can to feel better about yourself. Exercise, eat well, take a class, meet people, go to parties, have fun. Life is too short to spend it pining for someone who doesn't see you for the great person you are. There are those out there who will.
6. 6
   Mingle. While you are distancing yourself from said object of affection, try to meet new people who share similar interests. If you choose to date, avoid the temptation to settle for whomever asks you out, just to distract you from your old flame, or you might end up making someone fall in love with you whom you don't love back!
7. 7
   Understand that the feelings may never fade completely. You felt close to this person at one point in your life, and while you can eventually realize emotionally that you've grown apart, you will probably always have a soft spot for him or her. At some point, it may be possible to remain friends, but mind the boundaries and don't let your heart fall back into it.
8. 8
   Let Time Heal Wounds. When your heart is broken, it seems as though life itself isn't worth living anymore and getting through each new day is a struggle. It seems as though you can't get that person out of your thoughts. Don't despair, this mental torture is normal. In the meanwhile do your best to move forward with your life, as suggested previously; meet new people, exercise, take a new class, etc. As the days pass, and soon weeks, and eventually months and then years go by, you will find yourself thinking of that person less and less, until one day...you don't think of them any more. Then you truly know you've moved on with your life. Yes, its a lengthy process, depending on your own personal situation, but Time is the one thing that will help to heal your wounds.
   
   

Tips

• You might want to compare everyone to the object of your affection, and you won't think anyone measures up. Don't be blind to someone's positive attributes because you're comparing them to another person.
• Distancing yourself includes staying away from the other person on online sites such as Myspace and Facebook - delete them as a friend, that way you won't receive any updates inadvertently.
• Try to find something else to be interested in, like a new hobby.
• Don't think that if you follow all of these tips you will suddenly be over them, it will take time.
• If you find that thinking about someone else is impossible, try not to think about the opposite gender at all, this will end up in you thinking about them more.
• You must avoid calling your ex girl or boyfriend, sending them emails or looking at photos of you two together. The pain is completely devastating and you must avoid putting yourself in position where you are constantly reminded of your ex.
• Burning photos and other such memories might help some people, but remember that one day, when you are over him or her you might want to look back and think of all the good times, by then it will be pain free.
• Although you may be thinking about your ex every hour of day, begin to lean of your family and friends for support. Almost all of us have gone through severe heart break and the comfort your friends and family provide while help you get through. They understand your pain and can be a shoulder to cry on with you feel like giving up.
• You might also feel that if they do not come back, no one else will ever fill that gap in your life and you will never find love elsewhere. This is nonsense of course, but grief skews our thinking.
• You might be thinking "That’s it for me. I’ll never find anyone else. And no one else will ever love me." But you can’t possibly know that they won’t find love again And actually, telling yourself that your romantic life is over is not at all helpful. It just compounds the misery. The truth is that right now – in the worst moments of despair – we all tend to feel that nothing nice will ever happen again, but just because we feel that way, it doesn’t mean that it’s true!
• Accept that your ex-partner has gone and will not be coming back. This means facing your grief and allowing yourself to cry for the loss of your hopes and dreams. I am afraid that this is a painful process.
• scientists say it’s a good idea to get some exercise. We know that physical activity lifts our mood. It helps to boost happy chemicals (endorphins) in the brain. It also sends a very important message to the brain which is that we are taking care of ourselves and that we’re worth bothering with.